Mr. Methane: The World's Last Performing Flatulist

I describe myself as a Performing Flatulist. My performance is called 'Petomania' by the French, although here in England we like to call it 'Controlled Anal Voicing' or 'CAV' for short.

I first discovered my talent quite by accident at the tender age of 15. I was practicing the 'Full Lotus' position encouraged by my Yoga loving sister when I discovered the ability to breath both fore and aft, so to speak.

The next day I gave a lunchtime performance for a group of friends in the squash courts at Ryles Park County High School, Macclesfield, Cheshire, England. I think 20 rapid fire rasping farts in under a minute was the order of the day, quite an achievement and so popular was it that this became a regular event, swelling my pocket money reserves. A full-time career as a performing flatulist was at this stage not on the cards however.

I left school and started work for British Rail a few months before my eighteenth birthday. Then it happened...I remember it well.

I was on a course at Ladywell House, Preston, learning the finer points of the Brush Type 4 Locomotive. The course was thorough and comprehensive with schematic diagrams of all the Locomotives component parts and systems.

We had just broke off for a quick cup of tea and I decided to inject a little humor into the proceedings with my long forgotten, but thankfully just remembered, Trouser Trumpet. Needless to say it was a runaway sensation and the source of much needed light relief among the group on that day.