Dancing With The Undead

If Hugh Hefner still has a sex drive, someone should take away his license.

His most recent choice of “girlfriends” gives off a distinctive whiff of desperate hucksterism, and I think the old boy would really probably prefer a glass of warm milk and get to bed early … alone.

But there’s no fool like an old fool, and in announcing he is officially moving on from former playmate Holly Madison to 19-year-old twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, a mere 63 years younger than he is, Hef is obviously bucking to be recognized as The Oldest (And Biggest) Fool Still Standing (Hunched Over The End Of The Bed Squinting and Trying to Remember Where He Put He The Viagra Division).

You probably think I’m just jealous. Of all the stuff to blog about about, why else would I decide to pick on Hugh Hefner? If I ran into Karissa and Kris, er, Krissie, er, Kristina on the street corner, they wouldn’t give me their spare change, never mind their phone numbers, even though I am only 39 years older than they are.

But it’s not jealousy that moves me to take on the Sagging Satyr of Chicago, it’s something even more fundamental. It’s revulsion. Hugh Hefner makes me sick!

And if you have a shred of decency, he’ll make you sick too.

This is a form of childish pornography. The kids in question, Kartoona and Kebobsky, were convicted earlier this year of aggravated assault for attacking one of their fellow Wing House co-workers at a party and ordered to pay restitution. Karissa already had a previous assault conviction. As TMZ puts it, K&K put the jail in jailbait. Watch out, Hef! Could be a little elder abuse comin’…

Anyway, they’ve moved into the Playboy Mansion and so far, the old goat hasn’t called 911 or the exterminators, although it’s a little early. Give them time. I suspect that unlike the “Girls Next Door”, Hefner’s previous feline posse, these Doublemint twins will be harder to get rid of. Once they’ve moved into the Mansion, how’re you going to get them back to the Wing House? Even with extra security—the Katzenjammer Kids pack a mean one-two punch.

It is true that these people deserve each other and probably don’t carry on a conversation without a lawyer present, never mind sharing the act of intimacy, but this stuff gives May-December romances a bad name, undermining all the good work that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have done to make it possible for old people and young people to go to bed together.

Anybody remember Harold and Maude? Now there was a poignant treatise on romance with wrinkles. Harold, the peculiar, angst-ridden teenager, hooks up with 79-year-old Maude. He plans to ask her to marry him on her 80th birthday, but she decides to take control of the aging process and takes an overdose and dies. See, Hef? See what happens?

What on earth could Hef and K&K have to talk about? Like, OMG, didja hear that at the Brass Knuckles listening party in Vegas, Nelly said he was gonna form a supergroup with Akon and Pharrell? OMG that’s awesome s*it!"

Old people and young people are essentially sexually incompatible because young people, especially young women, preface every utterance with “Like…” As in “Like…he’s so old, but he’s like, so cute…he, like, reminds me of my Dad.” This has a softening effect on even the most determined old hickory.

The other reason that old people and young people are essentially sexually incompatible is that they are never, ever in bed and awake at the same time. Young people don’t go out until 11, as it takes the previous six or seven hours to style their hair. Old people are out all right at 11 – out like a light. Old people then get up at 5, and make something called tea, which is nothing like the tea you get at Starbucks that comes with chai and soy. At 5, young people come home and crash…and sleep it off until it’s time to get ready to go out again. They don't even see each other. Ships in the night.

Speaking of which, there are many Old Fools wandering the street mooning about the young women who see right through them to the young guys they really want to go out with. It’s as if the Old Fools aren’t even there. When asked to consider the idea of old men, most young women think oral history – as in, “OMG, like, someone should record what it was like to live before HDTV, before they, like, die!”

The sad truth is that old people don’t like to go out with old people either. Because they’re OLD! And wrinkled. And bitter. And they drink something called tea. Gawd.
So on all the dating sites, the old folks calculate their current age, then divide by two and then subtract 25, and then they go looking for victims. This is an age-old story…like Dracula.

And if there’s one guy still stalking the world, or at least Chicago, who reminds me of Dracula, it’s 82-year-old Hugh Hefner. He manages to sustain a kind of Undead Existence by preying on young women, who get to be Undead for 15 minutes themselves. I just think that in the twins K&K, this time the old bat has met his match.